While Zoya was here we managed to squeeze in a wonderful day together. One of the topics of conversation was our loss of identity, and somehow today it just really hit home with me. So I'd like to take this opportunity and just ponder on what it really means to be "me" :)
Prelude: The reason it came up today in my mind was that I needed to go and take part (read 'be a guinea pig') in a psychological experiment. As part of my course I need to acquire 30 hours doing this. Today was an Eyetracker test... where they measure the movements of your eye to test a particular theory. As I got there though the first thing the guy running the experiment asked me when he heard me talk was "You're not a native German speaker?" to which I replied "Nope"... so I couldn't take part he told me. Apparently the experiment was testing how various words evoke particular emotions in people... and of course being a native speaker one would have many emotions associated with particular words. This was not specified before so the guy gave me the piece of paper that I needed anyway, and I headed off home. And this is when the second episode happened...
After uni I took an S-Bahn to Friedrichstraße and headed into Deutsche Bahn office to check ticket prices to Odessa and to London. I started off by asking the price of a ticket to Odessa first - and the service woman was right out rude - ahhing and ohhing and basically being a bitch. It took her a while to find all the fares, which added to her negative mood. Anyhoo... then I asked for a ticket price to London with Eurostar... and suddenly her tone changed - she actually became nicer, and spend another 10 minutes looking up the connection through Brussels and finding out the fares which were hidden by British Rail... thus it was fairly obvious to me that she took me for one of the the dozens Ukranian girls who steal their German husbands, but then decided otherwise.
So where the hell am I going with all of this?
Well it's like this - apparently I speak three languages, whereas in actual fact I can't spell properly in either of them. I have an English accent when I come to Russia, I have a Russian accent when I speak German... and I'm not even sure anymore what's going to happen in Australia next time we go there. Here everyone assumes that I came "from Russia with love", and take absolutely no interest because the whole of Germany is swarmed with Russian-speaking immigrants from the former USSR. Whenever I get into conversation that actually I grew up in Australia, people ask how long I've spent there, and in the end it's only been 11 years - so actually the majority of my life so far was still spent in Russia, even though I have both passports.
Everywhere I am not a 'local'. I don't feel myself either Russian or Australian. And I definitely don't feel myself as a German. None of this is new and the only reason why it made me try and analyse this today is that I realised that there will never be a moment in my life or a place where or when I will feel that I belong. This is the curse and the gift of immigration. It takes away any sole identity and doesn't really give a new one - while at the same time giving the opportunity to get a part of something else. I am forever to be an immigrant. I will always have the accent, and more importantly I will never feel that I belong to just one culture/race/place/time. Is this a problem? Of course the optimist in me says 'no - it's great to have so many experiences in life'. But the pragmatic in me says that it would actually be very nice to feel a part of just one thing... not to have to attempt and divide myself between two/three places... not to have to struggle with trying to answer stupid questions like "oh, I head you're not from here - where are you from?"... not to have to miss two places at once while being stuck in a third...
Then of course there's the question of personal identity that is separate from cultural identity. Who am I? A wife, a student, a Web Developer, a good/bad person? I don't really fit into uni because I am older and have a degree, I am also married and am a partial owner of a flat - something which is hard for students to grasp, especially for students here in Berlin where 90% of people rent. I am not really a wife to many people because I alone don't cook and clean and I have Jack to help me with stuff, but I also haven't produced any children yet. I am not really a Web Developer because I don't work right now, and I'm actually studying Psychology. I am not even going to go into whether I am a good or a bad person - I think there's not enough space on the servers at Blogger to deal with that.
What is my point in the end of this giant rant?
Well - I guess to ponder on the fact that I have no real identity, and that's hard at times. I guess it would've been nice not to have to explain to people why I decided to come here and why I have an accent. Or it would've been nice to grow up and live all my life in Novosibirsk and not have to deal with having to fit into school, uni, another culture in Australia. It would've been nice if people in Germany didn't see Russian women as imported goods with no actual value. It would've been nice if to a question like "Where are you from?" I could answer with a definitve point and not having to explain a complex story. It would've been nice not to have psychological and emotional issues with wondering whether you're being understood correctly or whether you understand what's happening and not feel like a 3 year old... and not have people think you're stupid because you don't know some new-slang word. It would've been nice if my parents having gotten to Australia actually stayed there and "made a life" there and weren't in a long-term depression preventing me from making friends for the first three years. It would've been nice if people on the whole were more understanding of immigrants and others trying to "integrate". A lot of things would've been nice... but life is not like that and the world keeps on rolling. Here's just another ramble from a female (yep definitely that) sitting on a grey IKEA (yep check) couch in Berlin (or at least some town somewhere) typing on a black laptop.
Is this the longest post you ever wrote? Great writing and lots of familiar feelings and thoughts. You are a beautiful, interesting, complex and good person (but I hope you already know that). More on my blog in a second
ReplyDelete"Don't forget that you're unique, just like everyone else..."
ReplyDeleteGreat post! I'll be needing a glass of wine while I mull over this one, blabbering things like "well let's define identity"...
And a little later: "let's define 'define'"
PS: pardon the flippant response, more serious musings after wine...
Thanks guys... Ilya - I'm looking forward to that "more serious" response :)))
ReplyDeleteHere's serious...snore....zzz......
ReplyDelete;-)
Oh honey-bunny you should try being a "white African"!
ReplyDeleteMost of us have half of Europe running in our veins and so can honestly not claim any definate heritage (or home).
But not only that - we are born and bred in Africa, knowing only this lush and violent continent our whole lives and yet are constantly told that we are not wanted her and don't belong.
One is left floating in a sort of void where you have nowhere to "go back to" and nowhere to cling to either. Very disconcerting feeling!
My identity amounts to a Greek, Irish, Scottish, English, French, German South African.
I think I need some of Ilya's wine!
It sounds to me like you're letting those around you define your identity. Now it's clear that some of our identity comes from others, but the question is "which others"? It should only be the people you care about that define your identity. Everyone starts off by pigeon-holing their new aquaintances, and that's fine, good for them. Once they know you better, your individuality will become apprent to them, as well as the new flavour you add to the cultural/geographical identity to the groups you represent. Those who don't want to get to know you shouldn't have a say in defning your identity, they just don't matter. It's difficult when others make negative snap judgements, but those who don't make the effort to go beyond that are irrelevant. Easy to say perhaps, but hard to disconnect yourself from these judgements. Dunno.
ReplyDeleteDid I miss the point of your blog. Maybe. Too much wine? Most likely.
Mr Secretary - how much wine have thou consumed??? :)))
ReplyDeleteallright... you've done it - you're responsible for a response rant!
my first reaction naturally was "No, of course I don't let others define my identity, how dare he says that!"... then being a psych student I decided to analyse my immediate defensive reaction and decided that there's some truth to that. Namely that opinions of others do affect me more in situations where I don't feel 100% comfortable (ne v moei tarelke). A lot of the time the language barrier is a problem where I feel that I cannot express myself properly. With time this will change - it's already getting better. I wouldn't say thought that others define my identity, but rather that others influence my thoughts about my perception of others around me... and I guess I was talking more about various stereotypes that exist. Thus if I meet someone who thinks that every Russian girl in Germany is only there to get out of Russia it takes a lot of work to convince them that you're actually not in that situation. What this means in return that you have to work harder in trying to prove to people that you're a decent person rather than someone who is basically born and grew up here - makes sense?
I guess my main point was that a lot of people are insensitive and let their pure curiosity, stereotypes, preconceptions win over actually thinking about a situation/person. I mean in situations where people bombard you with questions about where you're from, why did you move, etc. A lot of the time I find it purely rude. Or on a purely day-to-day level as I mentioned the amount of pure bad customer service that you get as soon as someone hears your accent... that's something that has nothing to do with me shaping my identity.. it has to do with the external perception of immigrants, and how that affects me in my day to day life. :)
what does your bottle of wine have to say for itself now??? :)
I think I may have discovered the one stereotypical group/nationality that drinks more wine/beer than Zimbabweans...
ReplyDeleteWell, since I was told to read this as an example of Polchik's blogging cream of the cream, to translate the frogs - and yes, I agree, its good :) - here are my 2 bobs worth...
ReplyDeleteI kinda got used to the idea of having no home, or rather having lots of homes wherever my loved ones were (that includes you, vodkad couple), and now I shouldnt really be saying that any more, being married and all, but Im still technically living in 2 countries... anyhow, it became kind of a cool thing for me, being from so many places, easy to create a mysterious image when one needs to, hard to be pinned down when one doesnt want to be. Easy to think about picking up and moving on, nothing too much to attach and become enslaved to.
But now something else is happening. On the one hand, I got married to a Russian, which reinforces my Russian identity - Pol' did you think of the role of your hubby and friends in shaping how youre seen, and how u see yourself - and all of a sudden, in my nationality-sensitive work, for some people Ive gone from being a harmless and unbiased Australian who happens to speak Russian for some reason, to being a Russian-invader-imperialist-shady-spying-evil-manipulative-untrustworthy-total farker-chemodanvokzalRossiya :) This is why Im signing on as Kabanchik by the way - the more people dont trust you, the more paranoid you become.
On the other hand, Im meeting a whole bunch of Russians lately, mainly through my wonderful wife, who are all smart and interesting and informed and just plain great company. And having been to Moscow recently, all of a sudden I have a new dream in life - to go and live there! There you go :) So it seems that Im connecting to my roots. After saying I have none. I love watching Pozdner on Channel 1 - yes, Polya, THE Kremlin channel, I love some of the dudes on Comedy Club, I love my newfound grandpa and uncles in Moscow, in short Im IN! Now all we have to work out is how to afford living there. Bummer :)
PS Im becoming more Russian in my mentalitet also… amusing example – annoying border guard starts questioning whose signature is on my unusually permissive entry permit – my response “don’t you know your boss’ signature, it’s the head of the immigration department”, him: “that’s not his signature” – my final response “so why don’t you pick up the phone and ask him” :)