I am not sure that I'm in the right state of mind to post this. I am not sure I am in the right state of mind to do anything right now - but as usual I can't sleep... mainly due to the huge amount of things going through my head. Noone's online at 0300 in the morning... making it a bit difficult to work out whether what's going on here makes any sense.
I'll just write a brief note to say that last weekend we've been to Denis's wedding in St Petersburg. It was really great. The wedding was completely beautiful... Vika is a wonderful person, and they both look amazingly happy together. Sasha is a little terror, but they both seem to somehow manage with her, so all's well. For us one of the best things was hanging out with Robert, Augustin and Kate over the couple of days that weekend. They are amazing people and it was really hard to say goodbye on Tuesday. This trip to Russia has been one of the very best, and staying up 'till 3am every night drinking and talking has certainly helped. We also managed a trip out to Tzarskoe Selo on the elektrichka (regional train), which came directly with wooden benches out of the post-war era... very funky. Fuck! I feel that this trip deserves a much better description and I'm not giving it enough justice... so I'll try again later.
The main problem is that we're now deciding whether we want to go back to Australia in the start of 2008 after all, and that's really difficult. There are so many things at stake and I'm not sure what the right thing is... and if there is one at all. Every time I chat/email with someone from back in Melbourne I feel that I want to be there. Yet here now I am finally doing the course that I want, and we're about to buy a place. Looking at house prices in Melbourne.. or even rent prices... it looks like we need to be making around $200000 to have a reasonable existence... it's crazy. I know that I'll miss Europe once we go back, but I also know that I'll miss Melbourne if we don't. It seems like such a fucking struggle to have learned this bloody language to just go back now... it feels like we'd be giving something up... but then there isn't anything holding us here. Apart from all the opportunities to travel, and "experience another culture"... but I feel like I've experienced it... Germans are great people but they are foreign... sure that may change in 5-10 years, but do I really want to spend this time here??? But then so many people in Australia are talking about coming to Europe that it seems like as soon as we get there, everyone will leave. I don't know what to do. We don't know what to do. This is the most stupid things of all - internet... I am posting this writing up in some space for someone to read, to react, not to react, to ignore, to laugh, to contemplate... but why?! why are people so far away?! Right now I wish I could pick up the phone and call someone... but I don't have anyone to call, everyone is busy, and mainly I haven't called anyone in ages (apart from parents), so I don't even know how one actually talks on the phone - what would I say? "hi, I'm confused and depressed - help"... sounds like instead of trying to become a psychologist I need one. I suppose I could always call my parents but I know what they'll say... Dad'll be "do the best thing that you think will make you happy." and Mum'll be "you should go back to Australia and have a bunch of kids"... yeah... great!
Anyway I'll stop whinging and may be try to get some sleep. Perhaps the weekend will clear things up... apart from the fact that in 5 hours we'll be on the train to Dresden going to Jack's cousins' wedding... I'm so sick of packing....
PS: I'm not sure that posting all this personal stuff was a good idea.
I�m bloody jealous that you made it to Denya�s wedding, though I guess I could�ve organized a trip to Russia if I really wanted to. I�m doomed never to attend any weddings, so far I only made it to my own.
ReplyDeleteThe main problem -> you aren�t along. We went through exactly the same thing: both options sound good, both have disadvantages. At the end we made a decision that we are going back and we aren�t going to think/worry about it being a right or wrong decision unless something changes dramatically (like one of us gets the job of lifetime). And making that �final� decision helps � tremendously. In some ways I think we approaching this from �grass is greener on the other side� point of view, maybe concentrating on the good side of living in Germany for the duration of your course would be more helpful.
come back! come back! Ok, I might be a little selfish here but it would be nice if you were here :) Just noticed that 'selfish' is 'self'(ish). So if I say I'm selfish, then I'm not a true self, I'm only ish? hmm...
ReplyDeletea few comments from me ...
ReplyDelete1) am soo jealous you made it to denya's... i wish i was there
2) yes please post personal stuff... how else will i know what's going on since we donj't talk on the phone...
3) phone... yes... i don't even know my landline anymore. you can always skype me - the problem is the time zone... sigh
4) coming back or not: can't help you there. I feel like i don't really have a proper home anymore. i kind of have a base where i keep my stuff... it's a weird lifestyle... would be very nice to have you here though... we may well meet more often than we do now :)
but i will be leaving next year so it's not like i can be that selfish about it... and i think germany is closer to US. certainly london is...
4) what about your degree?
I totally understand the dilemma since I go through similar thoughts regularly. But for now I concluded that I can have Australia whenever whereas London won't necessarily be available so I am going to stay for at least 2008. Obviously as Zoya mentioned, a serious change in circumstances will make me re-evaluate but right now this seems like a better option. No right or wrong decision but at least we can make up our minds as we go along, no need to produce a five year plan and get approval :-)
ReplyDeleteJust saw this post now. You already know what I want you guys to do.. but it's not my place to convince people what to do.
ReplyDeleteDecisions are always hard - there's always pros and cons on both sides! But when you finally make a decision it feels great! :)
Maybe try a pro and con list or writing thoughts down? And keep talkng it over with people. I reckon that all helps when making decisions.
Oh.. and what does your gut tell you to do?